We have known for decades that intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm. But even more fundamentally, how do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed to orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the bodies of the opposite sex as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines to enjoy their own arousal from looking at men’s naked bodies and genitals.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from looking at pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. So men find it natural and easy to become aroused during sex through kissing and caressing the body of a sexual partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are surreal psychological scenarios involving highly taboo sexual acts (such as rape) and unrealistically assertive men.
To reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone a woman has to achieve an intense mental focus. Not only is this difficult in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Intercourse (at its best) provides a woman with a loving act through which she can encourage her man’s commitment to the relationship by facilitating his orgasm. Men naturally find vagina intercourse a fulfilling sexual act since it provides both the physical stimulation (of the penis) and the psychological arousal (by penetrating a woman’s vagina) that they need for orgasm.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be mutually pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman’s natural instincts are to accept a man making love to her only once she has identified him as a potential mate.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
- To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
- To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm; and
- By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm and this emotional payback helps in part to motivate men to support a family.
Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Women may be unhappy about a lack of orgasm during sex but they are able to put up with it. Very few are motivated to find answers.
Women today who hope for orgasm have been given unrealistic expectations by the modern drive for sexual equality in all things. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.
Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978-0956-894700)
Thanks Jane
I have been reading your site and it is encouraging to know that I am not alone. As far as it being embarrassing, it is more frustrating to come to realize that sexual pleasure was not in God’s design of women. As a girl, we are so anxious to find out how about this great mystery “sex” and how wonderful it is supposed to be and in adulthood, only find out how wrong we are about it. Yes, sexual intercourse is very pleasurable, for the guy, but not the girl.
I am very disappointed that God did not think women’s, sexual pleasure was necessary. That he designed only men to feel pleasure during sex. That our pleasure was an afterthought, so he stuck in a clitoris, which is very tiny and barely sensitive.
Sexual fantasies, I have a vivid imagination but knowing that I can’t actually act on them is frustrating too. I like reading erotica and watching porn but my husband makes me feel guilty about it and he thinks that I should be able to “get off” without them.
I have even given him porn movies and sex videos as tutorials to help him learn how to use different techniques on me. He refuses to watch them. He really believes he doesn’t need any help.
My sexual fantasies revolve around me being serviced by at least two to three men, who only want to see me receive pleasure, without them receiving anything. I would love to make that fantasy a reality. Because I am so frustrated within my marriage, I really don’t find my husband arousing.
Any thoughts?
Peanut
Peanut, you are very brave.
It’s not clear from what you have said why you are with your husband. Perhaps there is something else that is positive about your relationship, which means that you are together.
In the end, relationships are about the whole picture. Sex is only part of the reason that we are with a man. If the rest is as bad as the sex you should consider another man (or just take a rest!).
Believe it or not, very few women speak up at all. I have three teenage daughters and I want them to know the truth. Sadly most people are intent on ensuring that the truth does not get out.
It sounds like you have a healthy approach to sex and you need a man with a better sense of fun.
Hi Jane
So far, what I have read on your website, I find accurate. I think many women also find it accurate and the reality of it is disturbing. If sex education was REALLY taught to girls, not REPRODUCTIVE education, we would be better off, because we would know the FACTS, not the FICTION about sex.
As women, we should have been given an owner’s manual, just like we get when we buy a computer or an automobile. If men have a hard time reading those manuals, doesn’t it stand to reason that they would find it IMPOSSIBLE how to satisfy a woman?
And we women are in the same boat. We cannot know how to satisfy ourselves without some sort of guidance. My only relief is an electronic device, known as a vibrator. Most women resort to this knowing that their male partners don’t have a clue.
I married my husband hoping that sex would get better. That’s one myth.
We get along great as friends but have really lost any sexual chemistry. Don’t know what to do. I hate the notion of a divorce because it doesn’t guarantee that something better is waiting for me.
I have looked into the idea of swinging but my husband of course, hates that idea.
So, yes, I agree with everything that you have said so far, that I have read. I think deep down most women do also agree but hate the idea that as women, sex with men is not “ALL THAT”, it pretty much sucks.
Peanut
Hi Peanut thanks for your feedback.
My aim is simply provide women with the opinions and information that has already been published but is not often offered as an explanation for their experiences.
My belief is that sex is always a compromise to some degree between a man and a woman.
You sound pretty unhappy to me. Your husband must also be suffering from a lack of intimacy.
I really think it’s worth investing in your marriage by talking to other people, therapists, friends. We only have so long on this earth and we might as well try to be happy.
I have been with my partner for just over 27 years and my conclusion is that it takes a lot of tolerance on both sides but more than this, it takes enormous generosity. If we are each prepared to give then there’s a chance that the other person will give back. So many people live in unhappy marriages and it’s a waste. If you’re good friends you should be able to reason this out.
I really wish you all the best. It sounds like you have a marriage worth working for and going outside for sex may not send the right messages.
I am not a therapist. It’s just one opinion but being intimate and caring for someone for decades is not easy.
Hi Jane
After reading your response several times I think for the most part, you are correct. Yes, to make the relationship work overtime it does take both partners to WANT to please and pleasure the other. It’s only when it becomes one-sided that the relationship breaks down. My husband feels that he should always cum first and then he can afterwards, focus on me. Well, 99% of the time he feels really tired and can’t focus on me.
The few times he finally focused on me, he didn’t spend much time at all and said that he wasn’t the “energizer bunny” and, of course, that comment made me lose any arousal I may have had.
That comment, and others like it, still stick in my mind and prevent me from enjoying anything.
Yes, I read a lot of stuff on the net about ways to deal with stuff, but if my husband isn’t actively trying to find ways to pleasure me I feel that why should I try anymore to pleasure him? He gets all of the pleasure and I get none.
That doesn’t seem fair.
Yes, when I bring it up he of course, shuts down and does everything to avoid talking about it.
Not sure what to do next.
I feel society “Brainwashes” women into thinking that sex is wonderful. Well, yes it is wonderful for the guy, not the girl. Would love to find out that I am wrong.
Peanut